November 2010

Dia De Los Muertos. Both my kids are studying Spanish in school, so I’m sure they are learning about this unique remembrance holiday in Mexican culture. I’m remembering my Grandma today, she passed away shortly after my ex and I separated. My ex did not allow our kids to go to her funeral and be with their family. They did get to see her the summer before she passed away. I have a beautiful picture of my daughter with Grandma around the campfire at our family cabin. Happy memories prevail once again, that's what today is all about.

Happy birthday to me! My friends and family "got me" with a true surprise birthday party. Still trying to get my head around how blessed I am with such wonderful people in my life. They help me maintain my sanity and remind me that it's okay to want to be happy. I feel truly sad for people who believe that holding grudges, seeking revenge and manipulating innocence is an acceptable way for family (or anybody really) to act when life doesn't go exactly the way they planned or hoped. Sure hope I never get like that. I had a delightful evening of yummy treats, good conversation and fun cards & gifts. But as much as I enjoyed it all, at the end of the day, I just really missed my babies.

Oh wow! How about those Giants?!?! That's a good old fashioned butt kicking right there (Seattle). Woot woot! My son's PW Bears didn't do as well this year, at least not as great as they did last year. Last year they went all the way and won the divisional championship in NJ. I got to see a few of those games before the "you can't come unless you're invited" court thing kicked in. I have the team photo, with my son right up front, framed in my office and I shared it with the rest of his family. We're all so proud of him, me especially. This year they didn't get quite that far. But I heard my son got some quarterback opportunities - he had to love that. Wish I could have seen it. Still so very proud of and happy for him. He's a great ball player, always has his head in the game 100%. Maybe next year I'll get a chance to see a game.

It's count down to the school play for my daughter. They did the rehearsal performances for their classmates this week and now it's crunch time before the big shows next weekend. I'm sure she's having a ball with it, this is her thing, always has been, and she's very good at it. Not sure what part she has. Being her biased dad, I of course think she should be the beautiful Belle lead, but that's just me, dads are like that. I'm sure whatever part she plays she will play it perfectly and with that special finesse she always gives, especially if something trips up. She's good at improvising and making it work out and more importantly, making the audience laugh. I would give anything to be invited to go see the play. I don't even need to talk to her or have her see me if she didn't want me to. I would enjoy just seeing her be happy and have a good time.

October 2010

The Chilean miners are being rescued today. What an exciting day for them and their families who love them. I too will never give up hope that my children will be rescued from their own dark trap of growing through their (pre)teens without a dad. Everyday I look for the light, the way out for them, the way back to a normal child's life with the love of both a mom AND a dad. They too have so many people who love and await them.

Opening weekend of bow hunting, my first time trying it. My son would love this, it's so different from shotgun hunting. More strategy, more excitement, and they come in really close and you can watch them for a while. My second morning out, two young bucks came up under my stand. I watched them tussle with each other for a while, play fighting. Then I watched a doe and two fawns walk right by me like I wasn't even there. It was just amazing to see up close. Plus, you don't have to be way out in the woods far from the house, I can hunt practically in my backyard, which is convenient. Walking the fields nearby, I saw a young boy up the street has a ground blind a few yards off the back of his house. How cool is that? My son would love that!

My kids' 5-week progress reports arrived today. All I can say is WOW, my son is doing awesome, really concentrating on his studies and doing very well. All his grades so far are in the 90-100 range. I'm so proud of him! And, he's done this while recovering from his surgery and then getting back into playing football. So happy for him. Speaking of football, one of his teammates is in the running for the Sports Illustrated SportsKid Of The Year and in the television news coverage you catch a glimpse of my son walking down the hallway in school with him and then again running a play on the field. So exciting to see him on TV! I'm glad he has such nice friends and teammates. A lot of parents worry about who their kids hang out with. I've never had to worry about that with either of my children. They are smart, good kids and have friends who are the same. Oh, and yes, my daughter's grades are good too, but I have to laugh because every progress report always has at least one teacher who makes the same comment about her talking too much in class. She definitely needs to find a career where she can "talk" :) I sent them each a card letting them know how proud I am of them and their good work in school. I also asked my son if he would like to go to the Transiberian Orchestra concert with me next month. I told him he could bring a friend if he wanted. I hope he'll want to go. Even if we don't really talk about anything in particular, just go out together, that would be a fantastic start.

My son's school pictures for this year just arrived. The photo was taken the day after his birthday and almost two weeks after his surgery. How grown-up he's starting to look in the face, really starting to mature. And he's quite handsome, looks more like his mom every day. I sent copies to his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and great grama. They will be thrilled to see him.

Another great therapy session today. I like how my therapist pushes me to think different, I need that. I'm working very hard to understand the many reasons why my kids would be angry with me. It takes a while to let their perspective sink in, as I imagine it would take them a while to let my perspective sink in, but I do get it, really I do. It hurts, a lot, and I wish they would talk to me about it, but I do get it. What I struggle with, and I still don't get, is why they are angry with everyone else (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends). Maybe that will come to me, but right now, I don't get it at all.

Found an interesting quote today. It's from an old Disney movie Lilo & Stitch. "Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." Some of the YouTube clips of this quote are quite poignant, especially the one with the mom.

Happy Halloween! Sure my kids had a good time out with friends. I hope they went to their youth group party too...probably a lot more fun than being out in this cold, wet snow. I sent them each a funny card to let them know I'm thinking about and missing them. Of course I have no idea if they got them. My son's card was particularly funny. Trick or treat!

10/10/10

What a perfect 10 of a day! Took advantage of the warm Indian-summer day to ride the country roads and check out all the colors. This is my favorite time of year, not just for the colorful leaves, but also for pumpkins and corn husks, and the smell of baked apple goodies and cider. Bauman’s was busy. Their tee-pee was up and full of kids playing in it. My kids loved our trips to Bauman’s in the fall and would play in that tee-pee til they were silly. We’d get big pumpkins, sometimes bigger than they could carry, and make scary-funny jack-o-lanterns with them for Halloween. They always enjoyed the hayrides, donuts and cider at Schutts and Brown's Berry Patch with their cousins. The pictures of them making funny faces at each other and laughing while I pulled them on the wagons at the farm make me smile….so many good times. I hope they get a chance to take a hayride with friends or their cousins this year and carve some cool looking pumpkins. I'll bet my daughter's pumpkin will have the cleanest insides ;) I bought a few and will carve them when it gets closer to Halloween and put them on the porch.

Also this evening, my daughter’s church youth group watched a film called To Save a Life, which deals with fitting in, casting out, peer pressure and reaching out to others who are different from you. I rented it and watched it too. I have to wonder if she understood how many of those concepts are similar to our family situation. Did she notice how difficult it is to feel love for someone when everyone around you ridicules them or puts them down, and how much courage it takes to stand up for yourself and what you believe in your heart instead of just going along with the pack. You don’t have to choose sides, you can be friends with everyone. I wonder if she sees the similarity in her words and actions towards me, the only father who will always love her and her brother more than anything in the world, the kind of love that will never just go away. I wonder if she sees how much it hurts all of us to be like this, to not be ourselves. Oddly enough, my son’s school had a similar guest speaker visit last week to talk to the students. I wonder if he too feels like he has to hide his good feelings because no one would understand or support him. I wonder if he feels strong enough to stand up for himself and what he wants, even if it means others might disapprove or disagree with him. Maybe it’s just easier to follow along and be like everyone else around you. I keep hoping that they will understand that scars happen in life and they are supposed to heal, and that love and grace is something you give not just to strangers, but to the people who will love you, unconditionally, forever.

And speaking of loving forever….our Giants won big….again…yeah! Okay, so it wasn’t too tough, but we’ll take it! It was still a perfect 10 day.

September 2010

Back to school time. I remember how excited my son and daughter used to get about new school clothes and getting back to seeing their school friends. I’m sure that hasn’t changed. Hard to believe my little girl starts high school this year. Seems like just yesterday when we put her on the school bus for her first day of kindergarten. I went to the parent orientation night at the high school and met the principal, her guidance counselor and a handful of other administrators – all really wonderful people. You can just feel the passion they have for creating a positive learning environment for these kids. I’m so happy with the schools my children attend. Added bonus, my ex brought my daughter to the parent orientation. I have no idea why, she was the only student there, but maybe she had play rehearsal or cheer practice earlier and was there anyways, either way I’m glad. I got to see her and she looks great. Of course she ignored me, but just seeing her was enough and made my night.

Had a great therapy experience today, well actually, the last handful of sessions have been very good and certain things are starting to come together and make sense to me. It’s amazing what a little personal growth and the right therapist will do for you. I’m learning how to see things from my children’s perspective. The last few years I’ve been so caught up in the issues and the anger with my ex-wife that I hadn’t taken a good hard look at what was going on in my kids young minds, which is complicated by the fact they don’t personally communicate with me and they can’t tell me how they are feeling. I was inclined to project onto them how I felt when my parents went through a divorce when I was their age. Some of that is relevant, but some of it is not. Their situation is different and a lot more complicated than mine was. I’m very grateful to my therapist for helping me with this.

First day of school. I want so badly to call my kids and see how their first day went. I'd like them to know that I'm thinking about them, care about how their day went, and enjoy hearing about all their ups and downs. At the same time, I don't want to stir up the angry, anxious environment that probably ensues each time I call over there. This is my dilemma. How do I let them know I love them, but at the same time give them room to come to this conclusion on their own? If I don't call, will they think I don't care or that I've forgotten about them? Will they realize that my not calling is an effort to help them grow out of their anger on their own? If I do call, do they know I've called, do they get my messages? If they do, how does it make them feel? I just don't know. It would be so much better for them if they would communicate their feelings with me. It's not good to let that anger fester. They are getting so little help with this. Their therapists don't guide them towards healing and repairing our relationship the way mine does and carrying anger and grudges for years on end can't be good for them.

First day of NFL Football reminds me of my son too...especially when our Giants win! Sure he was watching and cheering just like I was from across town.

Just completed a two-day bow hunter safety course with my neighbor, his son and another young friend of his. The boys are both my son's age. My son would have loved to be there and meet them, I'm sure they would get along great and probably be friends. They are both into the same things my son likes ~ fishing, four-wheeling, hiking, exploring outdoors, hunting...you know, boy stuff. There were a lot of boys my son's age in the class, and all of them live close by. Seeing the fathers and sons shooting at the end of the course reminded me of family day at boy scout camp with my son and daughter at the archery range. That was a lot of fun, I think I'll go dig up the pictures from that day and smile thinking of the great memories. Happiness is a choice and no one can take away your happy memories.

August 2010

My son just had emergency surgery to remove his appendix. My ex-wife called, thankfully, to inform me of this. It’s the first cordial thing she’s done for me in over two years. She said he didn’t want me to know. That hurts, a lot. I feel awful that I cannot be there with him. I informed the rest of my family. Not sure if my ex will take their calls to check on him. I spoke with her the next day to follow up and she was a lot less friendly than the day before. I sent her an email a few days later, she never replied with how my son is doing. I called their house and left a message, but didn’t get any return calls.

I’m sure my son is really bummed because this takes him out of football for the season, something he absolutely loves and enjoys. He was always such a good ball player, and I loved watching him, football as well as baseball. I understand he was second string quarter back this year, so his inability to play has got to be killing him. Almost as much as it kills me not to see him. Getting him to lay low for weeks and months is going to be tough. He’s a lot like me, always on the go, can’t sit still.

I sent him a get well card with a note and a few dollars to help with back-to-school supplies. I sent my daughter a card too, minus the get-well sentiment. It’s not much, but I wanted them to know I was thinking of them and wishing them a good school year ahead. This is how I’ve communicated with them for the past two years, through cards, gifts and letters. I have no idea if they receive them, they never respond and my ex never communicates with me.

My son’s birthday is today, the third one I’ve missed. He’s turning 13, a teenager, on his way to becoming a young man, and he doesn’t have his father with him to guide him. No one can replace your own father, not even the most well-intentioned grandfather, uncles, or step-dad. I feel especially sad because I was in the same position when I was his age. I feel sad for my own father when I think about what we went through and the harsh words I said to him. I wish now I could take it all back, but of course I cannot. I was young, stubborn and angry and had no one to guide me otherwise. I understand how my son feels right now. I understand, even though I don’t like it. I’ll be visiting my therapist in a few days, it’s going to be a rough session.

For his birthday, I sent my son a very cool black and tan camo survival strap bracelet, an Italian soccer t-shirt, a brown Aero t-shirt, and a jar of the best peanut butter in the world with cinnamon and raisins….something I found in Ohio last month and immediately thought of him. I bought some of the peanut butter for myself too and eat it for breakfast on toast sometimes. It brings happy memories of my kids. I called him several times, leaving messages that I'd like to take him to lunch or something, maybe it would give us a chance to talk. As usual, no return calls. I'll keep trying.

July 2010

Not only did I see photos of my daughter wearing the sweatshirt and necklace I sent her, but she wore the sweatshirt in her school photo that was taken in June. I ordered prints and they just arrived. I absolutely cherish this photo and gave prints to her grandfather, grandmother, great grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. Everyone commented on how pretty she is. She’s not wearing a lot of makeup, which I think is great, she doesn’t need it, she’s beautiful just the way she is. She looks just like me – the shape of her face, her smile and her blue eyes. Every time I look at her picture, it’s like looking in the mirror.

I found out my daughter was injured in a bicycle accident. It wasn't serious but she's in pain and my ex never called to inform me. I sent her a get well card and hope she's back to feeling better soon. I also sent both my kids a card congratulating them on a successful school year. I received their report cards and they both passed their first year in public school. We had always sent them to private schools, so it was a real challenge for them to be in such a big school with so many kids and activities to distract them. I'm glad they were able to stay focused, just be kids, and get through despite everything going on between their parents.

I went to the annual family reunion in Ohio without my children. Every year, me, my sister and my mom trek off to Ohio (from Rochester NY) to visit my mom’s mom. The last two years I’ve gone without my children. Everyone asks about them, their cousins miss them. Their great grandmother tells stories about them. I texted my daughter a picture of all the kids with great grandma, but never got a reply. If I knew my son's cell phone number I would have texted him too, but I'm not sure he even has one. I also sent both my children photo books of pictures taken at the reunion, photos of their family – great grandma, nonni, their aunt & uncle (my sister and her husband), and their cousins. I included some older photos of the last time my children were there, so they could see how much everyone has grown.

My father and step mother were here all month visiting from Florida. They moved down there full time a few years ago and now come up for a month in the summer to visit family and friends, and probably to escape the crazy summer heat down there too. They tried to connect with my children but were told by my ex that the children didn't want to see them and had nothing to say to them. This is very odd as my children have been talking to my dad here and there throughout this divorce and were always very chatty. My dad offered to visit with them with my ex and her parents present, to help break the ice a little, but my ex declined his offer. She says the children don't want to. My father is very disappointed. I feel bad for him having to go through this again, first with me, and now with his grandchildren.

June 2010

School is winding down. I met with my kids' guidance counselors and principal to catch up on their progress this year. It's been a mixed bag for them academically, which is completely understandable considering the turmoil in their lives right now. My daughter struggled with several subjects but should pull through ok. Math and science have never been easy for her. She's a bit of a social butterfly and tends to focus on activities and friends more than her school work. I tell people she will be Mayor some day. She has that wonderfully charismatic personality. All she needs now is to focus her studies. My son, on the contrary, was very focused and did quite well in his classes. Last month he earned an academic award for 3 consecutive marking periods on honor roll. I am so proud of him and wish I could have been there to see him walk across the stage to receive his award. He must have been beaming from ear to ear.

Both my children have class trips they will be going on. I sent each of them a card with a little extra spending money for their trips. My daughter will have an end of year concert that I would love to go to, and I'm sure my son's baseball season is in full swing. My children told their law guardian they do not want me at their sporting events and extracurricular activities without being invited. What do you think are the odds of my being invited? My daughter has always loved to act and sing and my son has always been into his sports. I coached my son's baseball team for years and loved every minute spending time with him and his friends. I like seeing them enjoy those activities.

They will both spend their summer at various day camps. Most likely my son will go to a few sports camps and my daughter will go to a few church camps. I remember all the fun we had each summer dropping them off at a week long church camp in the Adirondacks. We would go hiking together and have a nice dinner. Sometimes my father and step mother would join us. I hope my children remember and cherish those good times as much as I do. I'm sure they are still having good times in the summer.

Father's Day - third one without my children and not so much as a phone call from them. I wonder if they think about me as much as I think about them. My friends and family call, and that means a lot to me, but not nearly as much as if I could hear from my children. I feel my father's pain for all the years I never called him. The irony is mind boggling.