April 2011

Happy April Fools! Wishing my kids of fun day of jokes and pranks with their friends at school. My son is the King of pranks, we were always goofing around with each other. Bet he and his friends had quite a few laughs today.

It was a busy day, between April Fools, the Met's opening day (bummed they lost), and surgery for me to repair a shoulder injury from my snowmobile accident last year. It was the first time I had actually been "put under" and I have to admit, I was a little nervous. I was afraid I might not wake up - crazy thoughts like that run through your head. Thoughts of going in for a simple procedure and then never seeing my family again ~ my mom, my dad, my sister, step brothers and brother-in-law, nieces and friends, and most importantly my kids. It was the same feeling I had holding my daughter's hand as she was put under for surgery when she was 3 or 4 and the family dog bit her face. Probably the same feeling their mother had when my son was put under for his appendix surgery last summer. All needless worry, but we still do. I think once you become a parent, the worry about your kids, in every situation you experience, just never goes away. The surgery went fine, actually very well and I'm back up and doing my thing, just a little slower for a few weeks.

Saw my former sister-in-law with her two very cute twin babies at the doctor's today. I got a clean bill of health, stitches out, sling removed and ready to hit the gym! Good day.

April 20 ~

Happy birthday to my beautiful baby girl ~ today is my daughter's 15th birthday, the 4th one I've missed :`( . I hope she has a wonderful day, filled with family, friends, fun and all her favorite things.

She doesn't have school this week because of spring break, so hopefully she can do something really fun, like have a sleepover or go out with her girlfriends ~ she has tons of friends, everybody loves her, including me of course, and all of our family that misses her, and her brother, so very much. I sent her a package of special gifts that I picked out for her on a recent trip to NYC. She loves to act and sing, so I thought she'd like some gifts from Broadway ~ just to remind her that the sky is the limit and she can be anything she wants to be, do anything she sets her mind to, and soar to great heights if she works hard and really wants it. I know she wants it, and more importantly ~ I know she can do it! She's very talented and has the charm and personality to match. So have yourself a fantastic day sweetie ~ I love and miss you very very much and will always be here for you, any time you need me, no questions asked. <3

Happy Easter ~

Wishing my kids a very happy Easter. I'm sure they will spend a nice day and share a wonderful meal with their mom and her family.

They are probably just a little too grown up now for an Easter egg hunt like they used to do at their grandparent's house, but I remember those times ~ they were just too cute. Pretty soon, their new little cousins will take over that event!

I sent them a "basket" package filled with Italian Easter Eggs, chocolate covered peeps (purple ones for my daughter), eggs filled with candy and dollar bills (who doesn't love a little cash), and a few more gifts from my recent trip to NYC.

My daughter got a Broadway umbrella to match the tote I sent her for her birthday, and a pink frilly scarf similar to the blue one I sent her for her birthday. My son got a very cool NYCPD hat that I had personally autographed by a NYC police officer for him. What a chuckle that guy got out of being asked to sign a hat. I also found a neat police car USB drive at the tradeshow I went to in January. When you plug it in the lights flash. I thought it was pretty cool. Maybe he can use it for school work or something.

I'll be enjoying the day with family and friends for a nice dinner and some baseball/golf watching ~ and extend an open invitation to my kids to stop by after their dinner with their mom. My door, table and heart is always open ~ love and miss you both!

April 25 ~

Today is Bubbles of Love Day! Did you blow bubbles at noon?

March 2011

Have you seen the video of the baby laughing? Cracked me up! My daughter used to laugh like that ~ that gurgly belly laugh. She was very ticklish when she was a baby and loved to be tickled. I would find her tickle spots and she would laugh and laugh, kick her feet and curl her toes she would laugh so hard. Of course we didn't have digital video or YouTube back then, but there's video kicking around somewhere, probably on some old VHS tape in a box stashed away somewhere.

And speaking of laughing babies, I went out to dinner the other night and there were several small children with their families in the restaurant. One was a newborn baby in a car carrier, the others were young toddlers around 2 or 3 years old sitting in highchairs amusing themselves. It reminded me of my children and how we used to take them out everywhere we went ~ restaurants, vacations, you name it. They were great babies, always well behaved in public. It's important that parents go out together and kids are socialized at an early age. No point sitting home acting like your life is over just because you now have children. My kids went to nice restaurants like Tournadeos and nice vacations like Aruba. My son was barely a year old and my daughter 2 when we first took them to Aruba with us. They were just a year or so older when we took them to Disney. Of course they probably don't remember any of those times and all the things we used to do together when they were babies, but they were fantastic, well behaved babies and we loved every minute of having them out with us.

And speaking of Aruba, my kids grandparents are away in Aruba right now, the grandparents they live with, with their mother. I'm sure everyone is enjoying themselves. Their grandparents are probably enjoying the peace and quiet of having some time to themselves without a house full of people. And I'm sure my kids are enjoying the same ~ being home alone with their mother without a house full of people. Maybe they will get that home of their own soon so they can enjoy that freedom every day.

Wishing my Irish-Italian kids a Happy St. Patty's Day. Hope they got to celebrate and have some fun. I stopped by a local Irish Grill near my office after work for some Irish dinner ~ gotta have corned beef and cabbage on St. Pattys! This particular place is the same place I took my son a few years ago for the father-son talk. He was 9 at the time and so embarrassed, didn't say a word, poor thing. I felt bad for him, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to have that conversation with him before the divorce. I know it is something he'll remember forever and I hope I gave him good advice. He's very lucky. My dad never had "the talk" with me. I was left to my own imagination and confusion to figure that stuff out. Boys need their dad to talk to about man-stuff like that.

Found out my daughter missed over a week of school, presumably sick. It's usually pretty serious if a child misses more than a day or two of school, right? It certainly is with my daughter, she loves going to school, if only to socialize and be with her friends. So if she's out for a week, something is wrong there. I tried to call and email her mother to find out what is going on, but received no response. Sending my baby girl a great big get well hug and I hope she is back to feeling better real soon!

February 2011

Wishing my kids a very Happy Valentine's Day! I smiled a little bigger this morning thinking about them, especially as I looked at the Valentine my son gave me years ago that I still keep in my gym bag. I see it every day, but on Valentine's Day it makes me smile even more.

I sent them a small package of "thinking of you" gifts, including a little something from a business trip I took recently to Las Vegas. I went to a tradeshow for the hunting and shooting industry. My son would have had a ball, there was so much cool stuff there, but of course I would never have actually brought him THERE. Our current relationship issues aside, Las Vegas just isn't a place for children and I was surprised at how many families with children I saw there. That's just crazy, why would anyone bring children there? It's definitely an adults-only kind of town. But I digress....the point was that I found this notebook with paper that you can write on that won't get ruined in the rain or by spilled pop or water, which I thought he would think was neat. I also sent him a DVD of the movie 2012 and a football heart of chocolates, along with a card congratulating him on another fantastic report card that came out a couple weeks ago. I sent my daughter a heart shaped mirror and heart tissues for her purse and a "Daddy's Girl" tin from Vegas, along with a Snoopy hugging Woodstock heart of chocolates. Her report card wasn't great, so I couldn't congratulate her, but I did tell her how concerned I was for her and offered once again to help her in any way she would let me. I also sent her mother an email offering assistance, but have not received a response from her.

A few weeks ago I heard from an old family friend of ours, someone who has known my children since they were small and always sent them cards and gifts and often visited with us in our home over dinner, birthdays and holidays. He has still been sending cards and gifts, even since the divorce, but has not heard from them or had any of his phone calls returned, so he tried to stop by and see how the children were doing, but was asked to leave. It's so sad how my kids have been completely isolated from so many people who love and care for them. It's no wonder they are so confused. They're probably having a hard time understanding why they can't have and enjoy all the love they deserve. I feel so bad for them. Life is so very short to throw it away on anger and resentment. I pray every day that things will change for them.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Wishing my children a happy, healthy 2011 ahead. I’m certainly glad 2010 is over, what a year that was, I’m turning the page and looking ahead with a relieved and happy heart. My divorce finalized in the last few weeks of the year and it’s time to learn from our mistakes, move on and grow. I can look back at last year, look myself in the mirror and truly know in my heart that I did everything I possibly could to be open, honest, and fair, as well as share and negotiate, with my ex-wife to support and provide comfort for my children. I feel good about that.

My wish for 2011 is that this will be the year that my children finally get the home of their own they deserve with their mother. It makes me sad to think of them living in a small 2-bedroom townhome with 5 people, and I’m sure that as much as my ex in-laws enjoy having my children around, they probably would like their home and privacy back. I’m hopeful that my ex will use the financial resources she’s received from me to provide a nice home for our kids. They have suffered enough through these last few years. If they can’t have the wholeness of the love of both their mother and their father, the least they can have is a room and place of their own.

As far as having a relationship with my children is concerned, all I can do now is love them, pray for them, and wait for them to become mature enough to understand that what their parents went through was not their fault, and that their father loves them very much and always will. It’s just a matter of time. Actually, I’m pretty sure my daughter is already more mature than her surroundings. All they both need to do now is to listen to their own heart and inner voice and think for themselves, which could be a challenge, but I’m confident they’ll get there.

I’ll wait and keep trying to reach them. I think about them all the time, and I hope they think about me. I did not call them or send them a New Year’s Greeting, but will send them something soon. Their progress reports arrived just before Christmas. The reports are just like they have been, except my daughter’s wasn’t so great. She’s struggling with a couple classes, but she had the same issue last year around this time and she bounced back just fine. I’m sure she will again. My son continues to excel, mostly A’s and a high B here and there. I'm very proud of him, such a bright young man. I’ll send them a note shortly, along with photos of their cousins that came with the holiday cards. Like them, everyone is getting big and looking so grown up. I hope they will enjoy photos of the cousins they have lost touch with.

Whether they chose to spend it with their mom or their friends, I hope my kids had a fun New Year’s Eve and Day. I had a wonderful evening with a friend I met in the snowmobile club last year. He and his wife invited me over for a night of good food, holiday champagne and great conversation with his family and friends. He has three boys aged 14 to 6 and they were a ton of fun, along with probably a dozen other kids in the same age range. It was so great being surrounded by such loving, caring, sharing people. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and had permagrin most of the night because they were all so entertaining. At midnight, as the clock counted down and we watched the ball drop, I thought of my children, the time that is just ticking away and the void in their lives that is just growing and growing. Hoping the past will be the past and we can look forward to a brighter and fuller future together. I’m ready and waiting, it’s completely up to them.

Christmas 2010

Wishing my children a very Merry Christmas today. I’m sure their day was filled with fun and family. Not only is it Christmas, but it is also their Papa’s birthday, so it’s twice the celebration. Plus, this year there were lots of babies added to their family, including a set of twin cousins and a new baby boy cousin. Just imagine how much fun it’s going to be in a few years when they’re all toddling around! Some of my fondest memories of Christmas were when my kids were small and still “believed” – oh the things they would say, they were so cute. I’m laughing remembering in particular my son’s observation in Walmart when he came upon the different colored Santas, and his “stuck in the chimney” comment ~ hilarious! My day was exciting too. I was so blessed to receive many wonderful gifts of love from all the spectacular people in my life, including my mother and my father. The only sad part of today is that my children received only half of the love they deserved this holiday.

Since they won’t see me, I sent them presents in the mail. I hope they received them as each and every part of their gifts was specially selected with meaning. I found a beautiful blue and purple scarf for my daughter, to match her beautiful blue eyes. Every time she wears something blue, her whole face lights up. She is also a voracious reader and she likes those series type books. There is a series called the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants that is written about a group of girls her age, one of them who sounds a lot like my daughter – into her school chorus and drama club. I found the entire four-book set on ebay in hardcover and in perfect condition. It fit perfectly inside this really cute gift bag that looked like a white snowflake adorned purse, complete with a chain shoulder strap. I also found the cutest photo frame covered with pink and silver fuzzies, so she can put photos of her and her friends in it and put it on her dresser.

For my son, I thought he would really enjoy one of those little remote control helicopters. I actually bought two – one for him and one for me. I’m hoping that we can spend some time together playing with them. I’m certainly having a ball playing with mine already. I would have liked to take him out to a movie, but since we’re just not there yet, I got him a movie pass for two so he can take a friend. He’s a big superhero fan – Batman, Spiderman, Rambo, stuff like that, so I got him the Dark Knight DVD. I really enjoyed that movie and have watched it several times. I’m hoping he will too. They each also got a little stocking ornament stuffed with mint and cherry chocolate kisses (the closest I can come to giving them actual kisses at the moment), chocolate coins, a candy bar and a plastic candy cane for their Christmas tree. Even the dog got a little treat – a Good Dog Biscuit Baking Kit, complete with a little bone shaped biscuit cutter. I laugh just imagining him begging for the treats.

I looked through some of the old photos of Christmases past, and posted a bunch on my facebook page. It was fun seeing photos of my kids hunting for and then decorating our Christmas tree, before and after photos of the presents under the tree on Christmas morning, and seeing their smiling faces as they opened their gifts.

There were so many happy times together with their mother’s family and with my family, all the kids dressed up in their Christmas clothes, laughing and opening presents. Oh, and the photoshoots that my ex used to take to get just the right picture of the kids by the tree for the holiday greeting card. Oh the patience, the eye rolling, and the tears. What great memories!

December 2010

It's beginning to look like Christmas! Snow is falling and piling up, it's almost time to get a tree. My kids loved going out to cut down a fresh tree. We would all go out together to the tree farm, pick out a nice tall, full one, that smelled good too, and then cut it down together. We would take turns pulling on the saw so that everyone helped. My son would help tie it to the roof of the car and we'd bring it home to decorate. They loved to put pine cones and angels all over it, and all the homemade or school-made wooden or paper reindeer ornaments. And of course, what is a Christmas tree without sparkly icicles and a big white angel on top. I've started to put out some Christmas decorations around the house. This year, I put two Christmas Candles in the front windows - one for each of my children. There are many stories about the origin of Christmas Candles and their meaning. I like the one that says they are to guide lost or wandering souls home to a place where it is warm and safe and welcoming.


Exciting news! My son has been nominated for Student of the Month at his school! I'm so proud of and excited for him. I hope he gets it. He's certainly earned it. His grades are excellent, he never misses school, and I'm sure he's respectful, courteous and responsible to his classmates. Not sure about the 'keeping his hands and feet to himself' part, but I digress ;) Seriously, he should be very proud of himself. I wonder if they give out those cool bumper stickers for their parent's cars - ha ha. I sent him a Congratulations card for his nomination, I hope he gets my card. Even if he is only nominated, it's still a great honor. Great job son! {Update: He got it, he's Student of the Month for December, very proud of him!}

The Christmas tree is up and full of those little snowmen, snow globes, angels and other little ornaments that have names on them. My friends and family have been giving me ornaments for the kids over the last couple years, so I put them up on my tree. This way they can be here with me for Christmas, in spirit anyways. My daughter has one of those names that you never find on the pre-printed ornaments, at least not spelled correctly, so hers are all hand-lettered. The tree looks really nice. I even have a few other ornaments that the kids made for me when they were younger, gotta love those school projects, and being a bit of a pack rat! Glad I saved all those things, they're fun to look at now that my kids are getting older.

Also went to church for the first time in a while, well, except for when I go to my grandma's church in Ohio when I visit her in the summer. I went to a Christmas Music Service; it was so beautiful. The choir was amazing. There was this one young woman there with a vocal range that was very impressive. I believe she is a music student from the Eastman School of Music at the University. I could hear her voice above the others, the same way I could always hear my daughter's voice above the others at her chorus concerts. Oh, and my daughter's school winter concert was last week. I sent her a text wishing her a good concert but she didn't respond. I'm sure she did great.

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving – my favorite holiday of all. Partly because it’s still fall, which I love for all the colors, cooler temps, and yummy fall foods; partly because of hunting and the possibility of adding venison to the Thanksgiving table; but mostly because of the Thanksgiving feast! I love a big fresh turkey and lots of stuffing, potatoes and homemade cranberry sauce. My kids *love* fresh turkey, especially the way it makes the house smell and your mouth water when it comes out of the oven to be carved for dinner. My daughter was just starting to help out in the kitchen the last time we had Thanksgiving together three years ago. I’m sure by now she’s a big help for her mom and grandma. Maybe she has a special dish or dessert she likes to make, maybe a special pie or putting together the sweet potatoes. My kids always enjoyed watching the parade on TV and then football all day. My son is a football fanatic and what could be better than turkey and football.

The other thing I love about Thanksgiving is getting together with family and friends to share the feast and give thanks. I’m sure my kids enjoyed spending the day with their mom’s family – all their aunts, uncles and cousins, and of course their grandparents. I enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving with my long time friends and their family, we’ve known each other so long, we pretty much ARE family. My family is mostly out of town this time of year, so it’s been a change for me to not have family around for the holidays. I miss my kids very much. I hope they missed me too. I sent them Thanksgiving cards to let them know I am thinking about them and to congratulate them on good report cards, a successful football season, and a good performance in the school play. I wonder if they got the cards. A phone call, email or simple text would be nice. Maybe some day.

As far as the true meaning of Thanksgiving, there are many things I am thankful for this year. I’m thankful for my good friends and family, and for their love, support and encouragement during this difficult time. I’m thankful for my children, they are the most precious things in the world to me and I’m thankful that they are good kids with nice friends and doing well. I’m thankful for their mom and her family that is giving them the extra love and support they need right now. I’m thankful for waking up every morning and for living a happy fulfilling life with meaningful work, able hands to do that work, good friends to share good times, a wonderful family that is always there for me, and just plain being happy. I wish my children were around to share some of this happiness.