April 2010

Easter Sunday - the third Easter without my children. I remember how they loved hunting for eggs at my in-law's house and how pretty and handsome they looked all dressed up for spring. I sent them a package filled with eggs, goodies, money and gifts. I found these cute flowered plastic eggs that are just so my daughter. And goofy silly faces eggs that are right up my son's alley. I filled them with dollar bills and candy. This year I found chocolate covered peeps too and sent pink ones to my daughter, along with a giant gobstopper for my son, almost bigger than could fit in his mouth...almost =). While I was shopping with my nieces last month, they helped me pick out a few shirts at Aeropostale for each of them and I sent those along as well. My daughter's was pink and white and had a matching pink and silver necklace. My son's was a brown surfer t-shirt. I sent him a new pair of Nike baseball batting gloves too. I called them and left a message, but did not get a return call.

My daughter turned 14 today. Another year closer to her sweet sixteen and the third birthday I've missed with her. I called to wish her a happy birthday and was hoping I could at least talk with her. They never answer the phone, no one does. Which I guess is better than what they do to my mother. When my mother calls, they pick up the phone and then hang up when they hear it's her. It's very hurtful and mean to treat their grandmother this way. But we all just keep trying to reach them. For her birthday I sent her a pretty turquoise blue Aero sweatshirt to match her blue eyes and a matching blue and silver necklace similar to the pink one I sent her for Easter {post-note: this is the jacket and necklace in her school photo in June}. I also sent a three-pack of writing journals in hopes that she finds an outlet for her feelings in writing. Last year when she turned 13, I sent her a gift certificate for two to a salon & day spa not far from the house. I got it for two so she could take a friend, or her mom if she wanted. Not sure if she ever used it, she never called to say thank you.

March 2010

St. Patrick's Day - We used to bring the kids downtown to see the parade every year, they loved it, all the dancers, music, floats, and the candy. I'm sure my ex doesn't bring the kids any more. She knows I'll be there and the kids might see me, heaven forbid. I ran into my brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter. His daughter ran right up to me and gave me a big hug. It was so great to see them, and my niece is as cute and smiley as ever. I miss my brother-in-law. We were always good friends. I understand he needs to keep a polite distance out of respect for his sister, but it just doesn't need to be this way.

February 2010

Valentines Day - last year I got to visit with my children for 20 minutes in a restaurant. I think my ex scheduled the visit for this day intentionally to try to ruin my day. No day that I get to see and visit with my children is ever ruined, no matter how angry they are towards me. And angry they were. My daughter yelled at me and my son swore. After they left, the waitress felt so bad overhearing my experience that her manager decided not to charge me for the food I ordered. The visit was very brief, but a step in the right direction. My children need opportunities to tell me how they are feeling so they can begin to heal their anger and we can begin to repair our relationship. I was told my daughter wanted to see me again, and the courts ordered it, but her law guardian told me I needed to work with her therapist, and her therapist didn't return any of my numerous phone calls. Exactly how was I supposed to make this happen for my daughter when no one will cooperate with me or take my calls? This year I called and left my children a message, but as usual did not get a return call. I sent them a package with cards and some small gifts. No return calls about that either.

I had an accident on my snowmobile. I hit a deer and a tree, had a concussion and broke 5 ribs. I was in the hospital for several days and in a lot of pain. My father called my ex to inform her. She was heartless and disrespectful to my father. I don't think she will tell my children that I was injured. They did not call me to see how I was doing. It's times like this that one realizes how pointless and painful all this fighting and anger really is. And how sad it is that our children are caught in the middle. It's okay to be mad and angry at each other, that happens with spouses and divorce, but why must we drag our children through this? They should be allowed to love their mother and their father. It's not healthy to hate a part of yourself.