September 2010

Back to school time. I remember how excited my son and daughter used to get about new school clothes and getting back to seeing their school friends. I’m sure that hasn’t changed. Hard to believe my little girl starts high school this year. Seems like just yesterday when we put her on the school bus for her first day of kindergarten. I went to the parent orientation night at the high school and met the principal, her guidance counselor and a handful of other administrators – all really wonderful people. You can just feel the passion they have for creating a positive learning environment for these kids. I’m so happy with the schools my children attend. Added bonus, my ex brought my daughter to the parent orientation. I have no idea why, she was the only student there, but maybe she had play rehearsal or cheer practice earlier and was there anyways, either way I’m glad. I got to see her and she looks great. Of course she ignored me, but just seeing her was enough and made my night.

Had a great therapy experience today, well actually, the last handful of sessions have been very good and certain things are starting to come together and make sense to me. It’s amazing what a little personal growth and the right therapist will do for you. I’m learning how to see things from my children’s perspective. The last few years I’ve been so caught up in the issues and the anger with my ex-wife that I hadn’t taken a good hard look at what was going on in my kids young minds, which is complicated by the fact they don’t personally communicate with me and they can’t tell me how they are feeling. I was inclined to project onto them how I felt when my parents went through a divorce when I was their age. Some of that is relevant, but some of it is not. Their situation is different and a lot more complicated than mine was. I’m very grateful to my therapist for helping me with this.

First day of school. I want so badly to call my kids and see how their first day went. I'd like them to know that I'm thinking about them, care about how their day went, and enjoy hearing about all their ups and downs. At the same time, I don't want to stir up the angry, anxious environment that probably ensues each time I call over there. This is my dilemma. How do I let them know I love them, but at the same time give them room to come to this conclusion on their own? If I don't call, will they think I don't care or that I've forgotten about them? Will they realize that my not calling is an effort to help them grow out of their anger on their own? If I do call, do they know I've called, do they get my messages? If they do, how does it make them feel? I just don't know. It would be so much better for them if they would communicate their feelings with me. It's not good to let that anger fester. They are getting so little help with this. Their therapists don't guide them towards healing and repairing our relationship the way mine does and carrying anger and grudges for years on end can't be good for them.

First day of NFL Football reminds me of my son too...especially when our Giants win! Sure he was watching and cheering just like I was from across town.

Just completed a two-day bow hunter safety course with my neighbor, his son and another young friend of his. The boys are both my son's age. My son would have loved to be there and meet them, I'm sure they would get along great and probably be friends. They are both into the same things my son likes ~ fishing, four-wheeling, hiking, exploring outdoors, hunting...you know, boy stuff. There were a lot of boys my son's age in the class, and all of them live close by. Seeing the fathers and sons shooting at the end of the course reminded me of family day at boy scout camp with my son and daughter at the archery range. That was a lot of fun, I think I'll go dig up the pictures from that day and smile thinking of the great memories. Happiness is a choice and no one can take away your happy memories.

August 2010

My son just had emergency surgery to remove his appendix. My ex-wife called, thankfully, to inform me of this. It’s the first cordial thing she’s done for me in over two years. She said he didn’t want me to know. That hurts, a lot. I feel awful that I cannot be there with him. I informed the rest of my family. Not sure if my ex will take their calls to check on him. I spoke with her the next day to follow up and she was a lot less friendly than the day before. I sent her an email a few days later, she never replied with how my son is doing. I called their house and left a message, but didn’t get any return calls.

I’m sure my son is really bummed because this takes him out of football for the season, something he absolutely loves and enjoys. He was always such a good ball player, and I loved watching him, football as well as baseball. I understand he was second string quarter back this year, so his inability to play has got to be killing him. Almost as much as it kills me not to see him. Getting him to lay low for weeks and months is going to be tough. He’s a lot like me, always on the go, can’t sit still.

I sent him a get well card with a note and a few dollars to help with back-to-school supplies. I sent my daughter a card too, minus the get-well sentiment. It’s not much, but I wanted them to know I was thinking of them and wishing them a good school year ahead. This is how I’ve communicated with them for the past two years, through cards, gifts and letters. I have no idea if they receive them, they never respond and my ex never communicates with me.

My son’s birthday is today, the third one I’ve missed. He’s turning 13, a teenager, on his way to becoming a young man, and he doesn’t have his father with him to guide him. No one can replace your own father, not even the most well-intentioned grandfather, uncles, or step-dad. I feel especially sad because I was in the same position when I was his age. I feel sad for my own father when I think about what we went through and the harsh words I said to him. I wish now I could take it all back, but of course I cannot. I was young, stubborn and angry and had no one to guide me otherwise. I understand how my son feels right now. I understand, even though I don’t like it. I’ll be visiting my therapist in a few days, it’s going to be a rough session.

For his birthday, I sent my son a very cool black and tan camo survival strap bracelet, an Italian soccer t-shirt, a brown Aero t-shirt, and a jar of the best peanut butter in the world with cinnamon and raisins….something I found in Ohio last month and immediately thought of him. I bought some of the peanut butter for myself too and eat it for breakfast on toast sometimes. It brings happy memories of my kids. I called him several times, leaving messages that I'd like to take him to lunch or something, maybe it would give us a chance to talk. As usual, no return calls. I'll keep trying.

July 2010

Not only did I see photos of my daughter wearing the sweatshirt and necklace I sent her, but she wore the sweatshirt in her school photo that was taken in June. I ordered prints and they just arrived. I absolutely cherish this photo and gave prints to her grandfather, grandmother, great grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. Everyone commented on how pretty she is. She’s not wearing a lot of makeup, which I think is great, she doesn’t need it, she’s beautiful just the way she is. She looks just like me – the shape of her face, her smile and her blue eyes. Every time I look at her picture, it’s like looking in the mirror.

I found out my daughter was injured in a bicycle accident. It wasn't serious but she's in pain and my ex never called to inform me. I sent her a get well card and hope she's back to feeling better soon. I also sent both my kids a card congratulating them on a successful school year. I received their report cards and they both passed their first year in public school. We had always sent them to private schools, so it was a real challenge for them to be in such a big school with so many kids and activities to distract them. I'm glad they were able to stay focused, just be kids, and get through despite everything going on between their parents.

I went to the annual family reunion in Ohio without my children. Every year, me, my sister and my mom trek off to Ohio (from Rochester NY) to visit my mom’s mom. The last two years I’ve gone without my children. Everyone asks about them, their cousins miss them. Their great grandmother tells stories about them. I texted my daughter a picture of all the kids with great grandma, but never got a reply. If I knew my son's cell phone number I would have texted him too, but I'm not sure he even has one. I also sent both my children photo books of pictures taken at the reunion, photos of their family – great grandma, nonni, their aunt & uncle (my sister and her husband), and their cousins. I included some older photos of the last time my children were there, so they could see how much everyone has grown.

My father and step mother were here all month visiting from Florida. They moved down there full time a few years ago and now come up for a month in the summer to visit family and friends, and probably to escape the crazy summer heat down there too. They tried to connect with my children but were told by my ex that the children didn't want to see them and had nothing to say to them. This is very odd as my children have been talking to my dad here and there throughout this divorce and were always very chatty. My dad offered to visit with them with my ex and her parents present, to help break the ice a little, but my ex declined his offer. She says the children don't want to. My father is very disappointed. I feel bad for him having to go through this again, first with me, and now with his grandchildren.

June 2010

School is winding down. I met with my kids' guidance counselors and principal to catch up on their progress this year. It's been a mixed bag for them academically, which is completely understandable considering the turmoil in their lives right now. My daughter struggled with several subjects but should pull through ok. Math and science have never been easy for her. She's a bit of a social butterfly and tends to focus on activities and friends more than her school work. I tell people she will be Mayor some day. She has that wonderfully charismatic personality. All she needs now is to focus her studies. My son, on the contrary, was very focused and did quite well in his classes. Last month he earned an academic award for 3 consecutive marking periods on honor roll. I am so proud of him and wish I could have been there to see him walk across the stage to receive his award. He must have been beaming from ear to ear.

Both my children have class trips they will be going on. I sent each of them a card with a little extra spending money for their trips. My daughter will have an end of year concert that I would love to go to, and I'm sure my son's baseball season is in full swing. My children told their law guardian they do not want me at their sporting events and extracurricular activities without being invited. What do you think are the odds of my being invited? My daughter has always loved to act and sing and my son has always been into his sports. I coached my son's baseball team for years and loved every minute spending time with him and his friends. I like seeing them enjoy those activities.

They will both spend their summer at various day camps. Most likely my son will go to a few sports camps and my daughter will go to a few church camps. I remember all the fun we had each summer dropping them off at a week long church camp in the Adirondacks. We would go hiking together and have a nice dinner. Sometimes my father and step mother would join us. I hope my children remember and cherish those good times as much as I do. I'm sure they are still having good times in the summer.

Father's Day - third one without my children and not so much as a phone call from them. I wonder if they think about me as much as I think about them. My friends and family call, and that means a lot to me, but not nearly as much as if I could hear from my children. I feel my father's pain for all the years I never called him. The irony is mind boggling.

May 2010

I had dinner with a good friend of mine and his wife. They used to live down the street from where I lived with my ex wife and kids. We've stayed in touch, but haven't really had a good catch up since the divorce started. Their son was best friends with my son - those two boys were inseparable. Like everyone else on "my side" of the divorce, they haven't been allowed to see or talk to my children. Anyone who has tried to call or see my kids has been turned away by my ex, sometimes by being ignored, sometimes by being yelled at and told to stay away. My friend and I enjoyed a nice evening of good food and conversation. Something I was never really able to do with my ex. She didn't like to socialize with anyone except her family or people from church, certainly not with my friends. I was heartened to hear that my friend's son still has a big poster picture of himself and my son on the wall in his bedroom. He refuses to take it down and misses his friend. I hope someday they will be reunited and be friends once again.

April 2010

Easter Sunday - the third Easter without my children. I remember how they loved hunting for eggs at my in-law's house and how pretty and handsome they looked all dressed up for spring. I sent them a package filled with eggs, goodies, money and gifts. I found these cute flowered plastic eggs that are just so my daughter. And goofy silly faces eggs that are right up my son's alley. I filled them with dollar bills and candy. This year I found chocolate covered peeps too and sent pink ones to my daughter, along with a giant gobstopper for my son, almost bigger than could fit in his mouth...almost =). While I was shopping with my nieces last month, they helped me pick out a few shirts at Aeropostale for each of them and I sent those along as well. My daughter's was pink and white and had a matching pink and silver necklace. My son's was a brown surfer t-shirt. I sent him a new pair of Nike baseball batting gloves too. I called them and left a message, but did not get a return call.

My daughter turned 14 today. Another year closer to her sweet sixteen and the third birthday I've missed with her. I called to wish her a happy birthday and was hoping I could at least talk with her. They never answer the phone, no one does. Which I guess is better than what they do to my mother. When my mother calls, they pick up the phone and then hang up when they hear it's her. It's very hurtful and mean to treat their grandmother this way. But we all just keep trying to reach them. For her birthday I sent her a pretty turquoise blue Aero sweatshirt to match her blue eyes and a matching blue and silver necklace similar to the pink one I sent her for Easter {post-note: this is the jacket and necklace in her school photo in June}. I also sent a three-pack of writing journals in hopes that she finds an outlet for her feelings in writing. Last year when she turned 13, I sent her a gift certificate for two to a salon & day spa not far from the house. I got it for two so she could take a friend, or her mom if she wanted. Not sure if she ever used it, she never called to say thank you.

March 2010

St. Patrick's Day - We used to bring the kids downtown to see the parade every year, they loved it, all the dancers, music, floats, and the candy. I'm sure my ex doesn't bring the kids any more. She knows I'll be there and the kids might see me, heaven forbid. I ran into my brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter. His daughter ran right up to me and gave me a big hug. It was so great to see them, and my niece is as cute and smiley as ever. I miss my brother-in-law. We were always good friends. I understand he needs to keep a polite distance out of respect for his sister, but it just doesn't need to be this way.