February 2011

Wishing my kids a very Happy Valentine's Day! I smiled a little bigger this morning thinking about them, especially as I looked at the Valentine my son gave me years ago that I still keep in my gym bag. I see it every day, but on Valentine's Day it makes me smile even more.

I sent them a small package of "thinking of you" gifts, including a little something from a business trip I took recently to Las Vegas. I went to a tradeshow for the hunting and shooting industry. My son would have had a ball, there was so much cool stuff there, but of course I would never have actually brought him THERE. Our current relationship issues aside, Las Vegas just isn't a place for children and I was surprised at how many families with children I saw there. That's just crazy, why would anyone bring children there? It's definitely an adults-only kind of town. But I digress....the point was that I found this notebook with paper that you can write on that won't get ruined in the rain or by spilled pop or water, which I thought he would think was neat. I also sent him a DVD of the movie 2012 and a football heart of chocolates, along with a card congratulating him on another fantastic report card that came out a couple weeks ago. I sent my daughter a heart shaped mirror and heart tissues for her purse and a "Daddy's Girl" tin from Vegas, along with a Snoopy hugging Woodstock heart of chocolates. Her report card wasn't great, so I couldn't congratulate her, but I did tell her how concerned I was for her and offered once again to help her in any way she would let me. I also sent her mother an email offering assistance, but have not received a response from her.

A few weeks ago I heard from an old family friend of ours, someone who has known my children since they were small and always sent them cards and gifts and often visited with us in our home over dinner, birthdays and holidays. He has still been sending cards and gifts, even since the divorce, but has not heard from them or had any of his phone calls returned, so he tried to stop by and see how the children were doing, but was asked to leave. It's so sad how my kids have been completely isolated from so many people who love and care for them. It's no wonder they are so confused. They're probably having a hard time understanding why they can't have and enjoy all the love they deserve. I feel so bad for them. Life is so very short to throw it away on anger and resentment. I pray every day that things will change for them.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Wishing my children a happy, healthy 2011 ahead. I’m certainly glad 2010 is over, what a year that was, I’m turning the page and looking ahead with a relieved and happy heart. My divorce finalized in the last few weeks of the year and it’s time to learn from our mistakes, move on and grow. I can look back at last year, look myself in the mirror and truly know in my heart that I did everything I possibly could to be open, honest, and fair, as well as share and negotiate, with my ex-wife to support and provide comfort for my children. I feel good about that.

My wish for 2011 is that this will be the year that my children finally get the home of their own they deserve with their mother. It makes me sad to think of them living in a small 2-bedroom townhome with 5 people, and I’m sure that as much as my ex in-laws enjoy having my children around, they probably would like their home and privacy back. I’m hopeful that my ex will use the financial resources she’s received from me to provide a nice home for our kids. They have suffered enough through these last few years. If they can’t have the wholeness of the love of both their mother and their father, the least they can have is a room and place of their own.

As far as having a relationship with my children is concerned, all I can do now is love them, pray for them, and wait for them to become mature enough to understand that what their parents went through was not their fault, and that their father loves them very much and always will. It’s just a matter of time. Actually, I’m pretty sure my daughter is already more mature than her surroundings. All they both need to do now is to listen to their own heart and inner voice and think for themselves, which could be a challenge, but I’m confident they’ll get there.

I’ll wait and keep trying to reach them. I think about them all the time, and I hope they think about me. I did not call them or send them a New Year’s Greeting, but will send them something soon. Their progress reports arrived just before Christmas. The reports are just like they have been, except my daughter’s wasn’t so great. She’s struggling with a couple classes, but she had the same issue last year around this time and she bounced back just fine. I’m sure she will again. My son continues to excel, mostly A’s and a high B here and there. I'm very proud of him, such a bright young man. I’ll send them a note shortly, along with photos of their cousins that came with the holiday cards. Like them, everyone is getting big and looking so grown up. I hope they will enjoy photos of the cousins they have lost touch with.

Whether they chose to spend it with their mom or their friends, I hope my kids had a fun New Year’s Eve and Day. I had a wonderful evening with a friend I met in the snowmobile club last year. He and his wife invited me over for a night of good food, holiday champagne and great conversation with his family and friends. He has three boys aged 14 to 6 and they were a ton of fun, along with probably a dozen other kids in the same age range. It was so great being surrounded by such loving, caring, sharing people. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and had permagrin most of the night because they were all so entertaining. At midnight, as the clock counted down and we watched the ball drop, I thought of my children, the time that is just ticking away and the void in their lives that is just growing and growing. Hoping the past will be the past and we can look forward to a brighter and fuller future together. I’m ready and waiting, it’s completely up to them.

Christmas 2010

Wishing my children a very Merry Christmas today. I’m sure their day was filled with fun and family. Not only is it Christmas, but it is also their Papa’s birthday, so it’s twice the celebration. Plus, this year there were lots of babies added to their family, including a set of twin cousins and a new baby boy cousin. Just imagine how much fun it’s going to be in a few years when they’re all toddling around! Some of my fondest memories of Christmas were when my kids were small and still “believed” – oh the things they would say, they were so cute. I’m laughing remembering in particular my son’s observation in Walmart when he came upon the different colored Santas, and his “stuck in the chimney” comment ~ hilarious! My day was exciting too. I was so blessed to receive many wonderful gifts of love from all the spectacular people in my life, including my mother and my father. The only sad part of today is that my children received only half of the love they deserved this holiday.

Since they won’t see me, I sent them presents in the mail. I hope they received them as each and every part of their gifts was specially selected with meaning. I found a beautiful blue and purple scarf for my daughter, to match her beautiful blue eyes. Every time she wears something blue, her whole face lights up. She is also a voracious reader and she likes those series type books. There is a series called the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants that is written about a group of girls her age, one of them who sounds a lot like my daughter – into her school chorus and drama club. I found the entire four-book set on ebay in hardcover and in perfect condition. It fit perfectly inside this really cute gift bag that looked like a white snowflake adorned purse, complete with a chain shoulder strap. I also found the cutest photo frame covered with pink and silver fuzzies, so she can put photos of her and her friends in it and put it on her dresser.

For my son, I thought he would really enjoy one of those little remote control helicopters. I actually bought two – one for him and one for me. I’m hoping that we can spend some time together playing with them. I’m certainly having a ball playing with mine already. I would have liked to take him out to a movie, but since we’re just not there yet, I got him a movie pass for two so he can take a friend. He’s a big superhero fan – Batman, Spiderman, Rambo, stuff like that, so I got him the Dark Knight DVD. I really enjoyed that movie and have watched it several times. I’m hoping he will too. They each also got a little stocking ornament stuffed with mint and cherry chocolate kisses (the closest I can come to giving them actual kisses at the moment), chocolate coins, a candy bar and a plastic candy cane for their Christmas tree. Even the dog got a little treat – a Good Dog Biscuit Baking Kit, complete with a little bone shaped biscuit cutter. I laugh just imagining him begging for the treats.

I looked through some of the old photos of Christmases past, and posted a bunch on my facebook page. It was fun seeing photos of my kids hunting for and then decorating our Christmas tree, before and after photos of the presents under the tree on Christmas morning, and seeing their smiling faces as they opened their gifts.

There were so many happy times together with their mother’s family and with my family, all the kids dressed up in their Christmas clothes, laughing and opening presents. Oh, and the photoshoots that my ex used to take to get just the right picture of the kids by the tree for the holiday greeting card. Oh the patience, the eye rolling, and the tears. What great memories!

December 2010

It's beginning to look like Christmas! Snow is falling and piling up, it's almost time to get a tree. My kids loved going out to cut down a fresh tree. We would all go out together to the tree farm, pick out a nice tall, full one, that smelled good too, and then cut it down together. We would take turns pulling on the saw so that everyone helped. My son would help tie it to the roof of the car and we'd bring it home to decorate. They loved to put pine cones and angels all over it, and all the homemade or school-made wooden or paper reindeer ornaments. And of course, what is a Christmas tree without sparkly icicles and a big white angel on top. I've started to put out some Christmas decorations around the house. This year, I put two Christmas Candles in the front windows - one for each of my children. There are many stories about the origin of Christmas Candles and their meaning. I like the one that says they are to guide lost or wandering souls home to a place where it is warm and safe and welcoming.


Exciting news! My son has been nominated for Student of the Month at his school! I'm so proud of and excited for him. I hope he gets it. He's certainly earned it. His grades are excellent, he never misses school, and I'm sure he's respectful, courteous and responsible to his classmates. Not sure about the 'keeping his hands and feet to himself' part, but I digress ;) Seriously, he should be very proud of himself. I wonder if they give out those cool bumper stickers for their parent's cars - ha ha. I sent him a Congratulations card for his nomination, I hope he gets my card. Even if he is only nominated, it's still a great honor. Great job son! {Update: He got it, he's Student of the Month for December, very proud of him!}

The Christmas tree is up and full of those little snowmen, snow globes, angels and other little ornaments that have names on them. My friends and family have been giving me ornaments for the kids over the last couple years, so I put them up on my tree. This way they can be here with me for Christmas, in spirit anyways. My daughter has one of those names that you never find on the pre-printed ornaments, at least not spelled correctly, so hers are all hand-lettered. The tree looks really nice. I even have a few other ornaments that the kids made for me when they were younger, gotta love those school projects, and being a bit of a pack rat! Glad I saved all those things, they're fun to look at now that my kids are getting older.

Also went to church for the first time in a while, well, except for when I go to my grandma's church in Ohio when I visit her in the summer. I went to a Christmas Music Service; it was so beautiful. The choir was amazing. There was this one young woman there with a vocal range that was very impressive. I believe she is a music student from the Eastman School of Music at the University. I could hear her voice above the others, the same way I could always hear my daughter's voice above the others at her chorus concerts. Oh, and my daughter's school winter concert was last week. I sent her a text wishing her a good concert but she didn't respond. I'm sure she did great.

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving – my favorite holiday of all. Partly because it’s still fall, which I love for all the colors, cooler temps, and yummy fall foods; partly because of hunting and the possibility of adding venison to the Thanksgiving table; but mostly because of the Thanksgiving feast! I love a big fresh turkey and lots of stuffing, potatoes and homemade cranberry sauce. My kids *love* fresh turkey, especially the way it makes the house smell and your mouth water when it comes out of the oven to be carved for dinner. My daughter was just starting to help out in the kitchen the last time we had Thanksgiving together three years ago. I’m sure by now she’s a big help for her mom and grandma. Maybe she has a special dish or dessert she likes to make, maybe a special pie or putting together the sweet potatoes. My kids always enjoyed watching the parade on TV and then football all day. My son is a football fanatic and what could be better than turkey and football.

The other thing I love about Thanksgiving is getting together with family and friends to share the feast and give thanks. I’m sure my kids enjoyed spending the day with their mom’s family – all their aunts, uncles and cousins, and of course their grandparents. I enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving with my long time friends and their family, we’ve known each other so long, we pretty much ARE family. My family is mostly out of town this time of year, so it’s been a change for me to not have family around for the holidays. I miss my kids very much. I hope they missed me too. I sent them Thanksgiving cards to let them know I am thinking about them and to congratulate them on good report cards, a successful football season, and a good performance in the school play. I wonder if they got the cards. A phone call, email or simple text would be nice. Maybe some day.

As far as the true meaning of Thanksgiving, there are many things I am thankful for this year. I’m thankful for my good friends and family, and for their love, support and encouragement during this difficult time. I’m thankful for my children, they are the most precious things in the world to me and I’m thankful that they are good kids with nice friends and doing well. I’m thankful for their mom and her family that is giving them the extra love and support they need right now. I’m thankful for waking up every morning and for living a happy fulfilling life with meaningful work, able hands to do that work, good friends to share good times, a wonderful family that is always there for me, and just plain being happy. I wish my children were around to share some of this happiness.

November 2010

Dia De Los Muertos. Both my kids are studying Spanish in school, so I’m sure they are learning about this unique remembrance holiday in Mexican culture. I’m remembering my Grandma today, she passed away shortly after my ex and I separated. My ex did not allow our kids to go to her funeral and be with their family. They did get to see her the summer before she passed away. I have a beautiful picture of my daughter with Grandma around the campfire at our family cabin. Happy memories prevail once again, that's what today is all about.

Happy birthday to me! My friends and family "got me" with a true surprise birthday party. Still trying to get my head around how blessed I am with such wonderful people in my life. They help me maintain my sanity and remind me that it's okay to want to be happy. I feel truly sad for people who believe that holding grudges, seeking revenge and manipulating innocence is an acceptable way for family (or anybody really) to act when life doesn't go exactly the way they planned or hoped. Sure hope I never get like that. I had a delightful evening of yummy treats, good conversation and fun cards & gifts. But as much as I enjoyed it all, at the end of the day, I just really missed my babies.

Oh wow! How about those Giants?!?! That's a good old fashioned butt kicking right there (Seattle). Woot woot! My son's PW Bears didn't do as well this year, at least not as great as they did last year. Last year they went all the way and won the divisional championship in NJ. I got to see a few of those games before the "you can't come unless you're invited" court thing kicked in. I have the team photo, with my son right up front, framed in my office and I shared it with the rest of his family. We're all so proud of him, me especially. This year they didn't get quite that far. But I heard my son got some quarterback opportunities - he had to love that. Wish I could have seen it. Still so very proud of and happy for him. He's a great ball player, always has his head in the game 100%. Maybe next year I'll get a chance to see a game.

It's count down to the school play for my daughter. They did the rehearsal performances for their classmates this week and now it's crunch time before the big shows next weekend. I'm sure she's having a ball with it, this is her thing, always has been, and she's very good at it. Not sure what part she has. Being her biased dad, I of course think she should be the beautiful Belle lead, but that's just me, dads are like that. I'm sure whatever part she plays she will play it perfectly and with that special finesse she always gives, especially if something trips up. She's good at improvising and making it work out and more importantly, making the audience laugh. I would give anything to be invited to go see the play. I don't even need to talk to her or have her see me if she didn't want me to. I would enjoy just seeing her be happy and have a good time.

October 2010

The Chilean miners are being rescued today. What an exciting day for them and their families who love them. I too will never give up hope that my children will be rescued from their own dark trap of growing through their (pre)teens without a dad. Everyday I look for the light, the way out for them, the way back to a normal child's life with the love of both a mom AND a dad. They too have so many people who love and await them.

Opening weekend of bow hunting, my first time trying it. My son would love this, it's so different from shotgun hunting. More strategy, more excitement, and they come in really close and you can watch them for a while. My second morning out, two young bucks came up under my stand. I watched them tussle with each other for a while, play fighting. Then I watched a doe and two fawns walk right by me like I wasn't even there. It was just amazing to see up close. Plus, you don't have to be way out in the woods far from the house, I can hunt practically in my backyard, which is convenient. Walking the fields nearby, I saw a young boy up the street has a ground blind a few yards off the back of his house. How cool is that? My son would love that!

My kids' 5-week progress reports arrived today. All I can say is WOW, my son is doing awesome, really concentrating on his studies and doing very well. All his grades so far are in the 90-100 range. I'm so proud of him! And, he's done this while recovering from his surgery and then getting back into playing football. So happy for him. Speaking of football, one of his teammates is in the running for the Sports Illustrated SportsKid Of The Year and in the television news coverage you catch a glimpse of my son walking down the hallway in school with him and then again running a play on the field. So exciting to see him on TV! I'm glad he has such nice friends and teammates. A lot of parents worry about who their kids hang out with. I've never had to worry about that with either of my children. They are smart, good kids and have friends who are the same. Oh, and yes, my daughter's grades are good too, but I have to laugh because every progress report always has at least one teacher who makes the same comment about her talking too much in class. She definitely needs to find a career where she can "talk" :) I sent them each a card letting them know how proud I am of them and their good work in school. I also asked my son if he would like to go to the Transiberian Orchestra concert with me next month. I told him he could bring a friend if he wanted. I hope he'll want to go. Even if we don't really talk about anything in particular, just go out together, that would be a fantastic start.

My son's school pictures for this year just arrived. The photo was taken the day after his birthday and almost two weeks after his surgery. How grown-up he's starting to look in the face, really starting to mature. And he's quite handsome, looks more like his mom every day. I sent copies to his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and great grama. They will be thrilled to see him.

Another great therapy session today. I like how my therapist pushes me to think different, I need that. I'm working very hard to understand the many reasons why my kids would be angry with me. It takes a while to let their perspective sink in, as I imagine it would take them a while to let my perspective sink in, but I do get it, really I do. It hurts, a lot, and I wish they would talk to me about it, but I do get it. What I struggle with, and I still don't get, is why they are angry with everyone else (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends). Maybe that will come to me, but right now, I don't get it at all.

Found an interesting quote today. It's from an old Disney movie Lilo & Stitch. "Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." Some of the YouTube clips of this quote are quite poignant, especially the one with the mom.

Happy Halloween! Sure my kids had a good time out with friends. I hope they went to their youth group party too...probably a lot more fun than being out in this cold, wet snow. I sent them each a funny card to let them know I'm thinking about and missing them. Of course I have no idea if they got them. My son's card was particularly funny. Trick or treat!