I saw a photo of my daughter recently. She was wearing a sweatshirt and necklace that I bought her as a gift for her birthday. I was very excited to see this, because I haven’t had a relationship with my daughter, or my son, since early 2008. I thought, “she can’t be that mad at me if she’s wearing the gifts I sent her.”


My excitement was squashed when a friend of mine asked if I thought she knew the gifts were from me. This thought hadn't occurred to me. I thought “no, my ex wouldn’t do that”, but then again, I never thought she’d make good on her promise that if anything ever happened to our marriage I would never see my children again. I stayed in a loveless marriage just to be with my kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed and manipulated.


So, I’ve started this blog in hopes that my children will see it and know how much I love and miss them ~ always have and always will. I will never ever give up on them, and my heart and my door will always be open and waiting, no questions asked. And speaking of questions, maybe reading this will cause them to question some of the things they have heard, or not heard, or been led to believe. They are smart kids, I'm sure they will be able to see through the fog surrounding them eventually.

Monday, February 14, 2011

February 2011

Wishing my kids a very Happy Valentine's Day! I smiled a little bigger this morning thinking about them, especially as I looked at the Valentine my son gave me years ago that I still keep in my gym bag. I see it every day, but on Valentine's Day it makes me smile even more.

I sent them a small package of "thinking of you" gifts, including a little something from a business trip I took recently to Las Vegas. I went to a tradeshow for the hunting and shooting industry. My son would have had a ball, there was so much cool stuff there, but of course I would never have actually brought him THERE. Our current relationship issues aside, Las Vegas just isn't a place for children and I was surprised at how many families with children I saw there. That's just crazy, why would anyone bring children there? It's definitely an adults-only kind of town. But I digress....the point was that I found this notebook with paper that you can write on that won't get ruined in the rain or by spilled pop or water, which I thought he would think was neat. I also sent him a DVD of the movie 2012 and a football heart of chocolates, along with a card congratulating him on another fantastic report card that came out a couple weeks ago. I sent my daughter a heart shaped mirror and heart tissues for her purse and a "Daddy's Girl" tin from Vegas, along with a Snoopy hugging Woodstock heart of chocolates. Her report card wasn't great, so I couldn't congratulate her, but I did tell her how concerned I was for her and offered once again to help her in any way she would let me. I also sent her mother an email offering assistance, but have not received a response from her.

A few weeks ago I heard from an old family friend of ours, someone who has known my children since they were small and always sent them cards and gifts and often visited with us in our home over dinner, birthdays and holidays. He has still been sending cards and gifts, even since the divorce, but has not heard from them or had any of his phone calls returned, so he tried to stop by and see how the children were doing, but was asked to leave. It's so sad how my kids have been completely isolated from so many people who love and care for them. It's no wonder they are so confused. They're probably having a hard time understanding why they can't have and enjoy all the love they deserve. I feel so bad for them. Life is so very short to throw it away on anger and resentment. I pray every day that things will change for them.
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