I saw a photo of my daughter recently. She was wearing a sweatshirt and necklace that I bought her as a gift for her birthday. I was very excited to see this, because I haven’t had a relationship with my daughter, or my son, since early 2008. I thought, “she can’t be that mad at me if she’s wearing the gifts I sent her.”


My excitement was squashed when a friend of mine asked if I thought she knew the gifts were from me. This thought hadn't occurred to me. I thought “no, my ex wouldn’t do that”, but then again, I never thought she’d make good on her promise that if anything ever happened to our marriage I would never see my children again. I stayed in a loveless marriage just to be with my kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed and manipulated.


So, I’ve started this blog in hopes that my children will see it and know how much I love and miss them ~ always have and always will. I will never ever give up on them, and my heart and my door will always be open and waiting, no questions asked. And speaking of questions, maybe reading this will cause them to question some of the things they have heard, or not heard, or been led to believe. They are smart kids, I'm sure they will be able to see through the fog surrounding them eventually.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Turkey Day!!


Wishing my kids a very happy Thanksgiving! Preparations are already underway here, as I'm sure they are at their home with their mom too. Made the homemade corn bread and wheat bread for the apple raisin stuffing last night, it's laying all over the house drying and making crumbs, lol. Got the pumpkin all cooked and pureed and ready to make a pie, although I did skip the homemade crust, I'm not nearly as good at that as my dad is, he can whip up a crust like it's nothing...I apparently didn't get that gene.

This year, I decided to smoke the turkey, with a molasses glaze that my Uncle mentioned to me the other day while I was in Naples hunting with all the cousins, so it's in a bag full of molasses & thyme and being massaged every few hours, lucky turkey, ha ha. I also got a beautiful 8-point buck on that hunting trip, so I'll be grilling up a few venison tenderloins as well. On opening day of gun season, I made the traditional trek to Naples to hunt for the weekend with all my uncles and cousins, we had a great time. My favorite Aunt made us her famously huge lunch and most of us took home a deer and tons of prizes from the raffle in town on Friday night. It was a spectacular weekend weather-wise too...there have been times when it was snowing or raining or just plain miserable, but this year was picture perfect....crisp, frosty, sunny mornings and mildly cool afternoons. I talked to my dad on the phone a few times while we were all down there. I could tell he was missing being there now that they sold the cabin and moved to Florida full time.

As much fun as I had, Naples just isn't the same any more now that my dad has moved. I remember how much my kids loved his cabin. We would take them there all the time. We would pull up and the kids would be out of the car before we could park...off running into the woods and down to the creek to find whatever creatures they could capture and bring to us, usually a frog. They loved exploring the woods, riding four-wheelers, and having campfires. It's just not like that anymore without the cabin. I walked up there a few times to check it out and walk the property. Sadly it sits empty, the family that bought it got transferred and hasn't sold it yet, so it sits unused. It's so sad, it's such a wonderful place that really needs a bunch of kids to enjoy it. Lots of great memories there though. Actually, I got my deer right there on dad's old property, in a spot I've always sat on opening day for close to 30 years now. The deer still live there, lol. Maybe someday I'll be able to bring my son up there again and he can enjoy hunting with all of us on opening day. He would love it, so awesome to be surrounded by family and enjoy the outdoors.

Ah, but we're on to new memories and I'm sure my kids are too...enjoying their holiday with their mother's half of their family, which was always fun, lots of new cousins on that side too, so I'm sure there will be lots of new great memories to be had. Sure wish my kids could enjoy the wholeness of spending time with all their family at the holidays, but perhaps someday. I'll be thinking of them and their quirky turkey habits, I'm sure those haven't changed much. I'll say a prayer for them and wait for them to come around, with love in my heart and my arms wide open for a great big turkey hug. Have a blessed holiday everyone and thanks for all the notes, outreach and good wishes...keep 'em coming!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Happy birthday to me

Had a wonderful birthday today, filled with lots of wishes from friends and family, people calling, texting, facebooking and stopping by my office to say hello. But there are two very special wishes that I really wish I had, and those are birthday wishes from my kids. Miss their great birthday hugs and smiling faces. Hope they thought of me today. Love and miss them very much.