I saw a photo of my daughter recently. She was wearing a sweatshirt and necklace that I bought her as a gift for her birthday. I was very excited to see this, because I haven’t had a relationship with my daughter, or my son, since early 2008. I thought, “she can’t be that mad at me if she’s wearing the gifts I sent her.”


My excitement was squashed when a friend of mine asked if I thought she knew the gifts were from me. This thought hadn't occurred to me. I thought “no, my ex wouldn’t do that”, but then again, I never thought she’d make good on her promise that if anything ever happened to our marriage I would never see my children again. I stayed in a loveless marriage just to be with my kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed and manipulated.


So, I’ve started this blog in hopes that my children will see it and know how much I love and miss them ~ always have and always will. I will never ever give up on them, and my heart and my door will always be open and waiting, no questions asked. And speaking of questions, maybe reading this will cause them to question some of the things they have heard, or not heard, or been led to believe. They are smart kids, I'm sure they will be able to see through the fog surrounding them eventually.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

June 2011

Father's Day ~

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there, especially my dad for loving me always – even when I didn’t acknowledge loving him back, my step dad for being there for me and my mom, and my children’s grandfather for taking good care of them these last few difficult years – I know it hasn’t been easy for anyone. 15 years ago I became a dad to the most beautiful little girl, and a year and four months later to a delightful young son. I have been beaming proud of both of them ever since and love them both with all my heart. I remember all the wonderful times we had together, everything from ordinary days to special days – every minute was special in its own way, and continues to be. I look forward to more special times some day. I would also like to thank their mother, on this Father’s Day, for making me a father. Eventhough we don’t love each other any more, I recognize that I couldn’t have done it without her, and for that I am grateful.

At this moment, and especially on this day, I feel so bad for my kids - growing up through their teens without a dad. My daughter was 11 and my son 10 when their mom and I split up. They must be so confused about what really happened between us and not sure what to believe when their heart and their head tells them one thing, but they hear so many other things they feel the need to believe. I understand that confusion, more than they know. I wish there was something I could do to help them, but I have to wait for them to come to me for that help ~ every parent’s dilemma I guess.

On this Father’s Day, I want my children to know that I will always love and support them. I will always be there to encourage them to love and respect both of their parents, and all of the rest of their family, even people they might disagree with. I will help them love and receive love from every one, not just half of their family, but all of it ~ they deserve that fullness in life. When they are old enough to finally see, I will help them to find a place in their heart for everyone. It’s all about them, how they feel inside, and helping them to put their hearts, minds and actions together in one place. I will help them to grow in positive, healthy ways that honor their true feelings and encourage them to seek out the good and love in all of their family and the world. Love is so much bigger than hate and revenge.

In the mean time, I’ll just keep loving them from afar and wait … wait for them to figure out what’s really important in life and how to be true to themselves.