September 2010

Back to school time. I remember how excited my son and daughter used to get about new school clothes and getting back to seeing their school friends. I’m sure that hasn’t changed. Hard to believe my little girl starts high school this year. Seems like just yesterday when we put her on the school bus for her first day of kindergarten. I went to the parent orientation night at the high school and met the principal, her guidance counselor and a handful of other administrators – all really wonderful people. You can just feel the passion they have for creating a positive learning environment for these kids. I’m so happy with the schools my children attend. Added bonus, my ex brought my daughter to the parent orientation. I have no idea why, she was the only student there, but maybe she had play rehearsal or cheer practice earlier and was there anyways, either way I’m glad. I got to see her and she looks great. Of course she ignored me, but just seeing her was enough and made my night.

Had a great therapy experience today, well actually, the last handful of sessions have been very good and certain things are starting to come together and make sense to me. It’s amazing what a little personal growth and the right therapist will do for you. I’m learning how to see things from my children’s perspective. The last few years I’ve been so caught up in the issues and the anger with my ex-wife that I hadn’t taken a good hard look at what was going on in my kids young minds, which is complicated by the fact they don’t personally communicate with me and they can’t tell me how they are feeling. I was inclined to project onto them how I felt when my parents went through a divorce when I was their age. Some of that is relevant, but some of it is not. Their situation is different and a lot more complicated than mine was. I’m very grateful to my therapist for helping me with this.

First day of school. I want so badly to call my kids and see how their first day went. I'd like them to know that I'm thinking about them, care about how their day went, and enjoy hearing about all their ups and downs. At the same time, I don't want to stir up the angry, anxious environment that probably ensues each time I call over there. This is my dilemma. How do I let them know I love them, but at the same time give them room to come to this conclusion on their own? If I don't call, will they think I don't care or that I've forgotten about them? Will they realize that my not calling is an effort to help them grow out of their anger on their own? If I do call, do they know I've called, do they get my messages? If they do, how does it make them feel? I just don't know. It would be so much better for them if they would communicate their feelings with me. It's not good to let that anger fester. They are getting so little help with this. Their therapists don't guide them towards healing and repairing our relationship the way mine does and carrying anger and grudges for years on end can't be good for them.

First day of NFL Football reminds me of my son too...especially when our Giants win! Sure he was watching and cheering just like I was from across town.

Just completed a two-day bow hunter safety course with my neighbor, his son and another young friend of his. The boys are both my son's age. My son would have loved to be there and meet them, I'm sure they would get along great and probably be friends. They are both into the same things my son likes ~ fishing, four-wheeling, hiking, exploring outdoors, hunting...you know, boy stuff. There were a lot of boys my son's age in the class, and all of them live close by. Seeing the fathers and sons shooting at the end of the course reminded me of family day at boy scout camp with my son and daughter at the archery range. That was a lot of fun, I think I'll go dig up the pictures from that day and smile thinking of the great memories. Happiness is a choice and no one can take away your happy memories.