I saw a photo of my daughter recently. She was wearing a sweatshirt and necklace that I bought her as a gift for her birthday. I was very excited to see this, because I haven’t had a relationship with my daughter, or my son, since early 2008. I thought, “she can’t be that mad at me if she’s wearing the gifts I sent her.”


My excitement was squashed when a friend of mine asked if I thought she knew the gifts were from me. This thought hadn't occurred to me. I thought “no, my ex wouldn’t do that”, but then again, I never thought she’d make good on her promise that if anything ever happened to our marriage I would never see my children again. I stayed in a loveless marriage just to be with my kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed and manipulated.


So, I’ve started this blog in hopes that my children will see it and know how much I love and miss them ~ always have and always will. I will never ever give up on them, and my heart and my door will always be open and waiting, no questions asked. And speaking of questions, maybe reading this will cause them to question some of the things they have heard, or not heard, or been led to believe. They are smart kids, I'm sure they will be able to see through the fog surrounding them eventually.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Wishing my children a happy, healthy 2011 ahead. I’m certainly glad 2010 is over, what a year that was, I’m turning the page and looking ahead with a relieved and happy heart. My divorce finalized in the last few weeks of the year and it’s time to learn from our mistakes, move on and grow. I can look back at last year, look myself in the mirror and truly know in my heart that I did everything I possibly could to be open, honest, and fair, as well as share and negotiate, with my ex-wife to support and provide comfort for my children. I feel good about that.

My wish for 2011 is that this will be the year that my children finally get the home of their own they deserve with their mother. It makes me sad to think of them living in a small 2-bedroom townhome with 5 people, and I’m sure that as much as my ex in-laws enjoy having my children around, they probably would like their home and privacy back. I’m hopeful that my ex will use the financial resources she’s received from me to provide a nice home for our kids. They have suffered enough through these last few years. If they can’t have the wholeness of the love of both their mother and their father, the least they can have is a room and place of their own.

As far as having a relationship with my children is concerned, all I can do now is love them, pray for them, and wait for them to become mature enough to understand that what their parents went through was not their fault, and that their father loves them very much and always will. It’s just a matter of time. Actually, I’m pretty sure my daughter is already more mature than her surroundings. All they both need to do now is to listen to their own heart and inner voice and think for themselves, which could be a challenge, but I’m confident they’ll get there.

I’ll wait and keep trying to reach them. I think about them all the time, and I hope they think about me. I did not call them or send them a New Year’s Greeting, but will send them something soon. Their progress reports arrived just before Christmas. The reports are just like they have been, except my daughter’s wasn’t so great. She’s struggling with a couple classes, but she had the same issue last year around this time and she bounced back just fine. I’m sure she will again. My son continues to excel, mostly A’s and a high B here and there. I'm very proud of him, such a bright young man. I’ll send them a note shortly, along with photos of their cousins that came with the holiday cards. Like them, everyone is getting big and looking so grown up. I hope they will enjoy photos of the cousins they have lost touch with.

Whether they chose to spend it with their mom or their friends, I hope my kids had a fun New Year’s Eve and Day. I had a wonderful evening with a friend I met in the snowmobile club last year. He and his wife invited me over for a night of good food, holiday champagne and great conversation with his family and friends. He has three boys aged 14 to 6 and they were a ton of fun, along with probably a dozen other kids in the same age range. It was so great being surrounded by such loving, caring, sharing people. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and had permagrin most of the night because they were all so entertaining. At midnight, as the clock counted down and we watched the ball drop, I thought of my children, the time that is just ticking away and the void in their lives that is just growing and growing. Hoping the past will be the past and we can look forward to a brighter and fuller future together. I’m ready and waiting, it’s completely up to them.
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