I saw a photo of my daughter recently. She was wearing a sweatshirt and necklace that I bought her as a gift for her birthday. I was very excited to see this, because I haven’t had a relationship with my daughter, or my son, since early 2008. I thought, “she can’t be that mad at me if she’s wearing the gifts I sent her.”


My excitement was squashed when a friend of mine asked if I thought she knew the gifts were from me. This thought hadn't occurred to me. I thought “no, my ex wouldn’t do that”, but then again, I never thought she’d make good on her promise that if anything ever happened to our marriage I would never see my children again. I stayed in a loveless marriage just to be with my kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed and manipulated.


So, I’ve started this blog in hopes that my children will see it and know how much I love and miss them ~ always have and always will. I will never ever give up on them, and my heart and my door will always be open and waiting, no questions asked. And speaking of questions, maybe reading this will cause them to question some of the things they have heard, or not heard, or been led to believe. They are smart kids, I'm sure they will be able to see through the fog surrounding them eventually.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas 2010

Wishing my children a very Merry Christmas today. I’m sure their day was filled with fun and family. Not only is it Christmas, but it is also their Papa’s birthday, so it’s twice the celebration. Plus, this year there were lots of babies added to their family, including a set of twin cousins and a new baby boy cousin. Just imagine how much fun it’s going to be in a few years when they’re all toddling around! Some of my fondest memories of Christmas were when my kids were small and still “believed” – oh the things they would say, they were so cute. I’m laughing remembering in particular my son’s observation in Walmart when he came upon the different colored Santas, and his “stuck in the chimney” comment ~ hilarious! My day was exciting too. I was so blessed to receive many wonderful gifts of love from all the spectacular people in my life, including my mother and my father. The only sad part of today is that my children received only half of the love they deserved this holiday.

Since they won’t see me, I sent them presents in the mail. I hope they received them as each and every part of their gifts was specially selected with meaning. I found a beautiful blue and purple scarf for my daughter, to match her beautiful blue eyes. Every time she wears something blue, her whole face lights up. She is also a voracious reader and she likes those series type books. There is a series called the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants that is written about a group of girls her age, one of them who sounds a lot like my daughter – into her school chorus and drama club. I found the entire four-book set on ebay in hardcover and in perfect condition. It fit perfectly inside this really cute gift bag that looked like a white snowflake adorned purse, complete with a chain shoulder strap. I also found the cutest photo frame covered with pink and silver fuzzies, so she can put photos of her and her friends in it and put it on her dresser.

For my son, I thought he would really enjoy one of those little remote control helicopters. I actually bought two – one for him and one for me. I’m hoping that we can spend some time together playing with them. I’m certainly having a ball playing with mine already. I would have liked to take him out to a movie, but since we’re just not there yet, I got him a movie pass for two so he can take a friend. He’s a big superhero fan – Batman, Spiderman, Rambo, stuff like that, so I got him the Dark Knight DVD. I really enjoyed that movie and have watched it several times. I’m hoping he will too. They each also got a little stocking ornament stuffed with mint and cherry chocolate kisses (the closest I can come to giving them actual kisses at the moment), chocolate coins, a candy bar and a plastic candy cane for their Christmas tree. Even the dog got a little treat – a Good Dog Biscuit Baking Kit, complete with a little bone shaped biscuit cutter. I laugh just imagining him begging for the treats.

I looked through some of the old photos of Christmases past, and posted a bunch on my facebook page. It was fun seeing photos of my kids hunting for and then decorating our Christmas tree, before and after photos of the presents under the tree on Christmas morning, and seeing their smiling faces as they opened their gifts.
There were so many happy times together with their mother’s family and with my family, all the kids dressed up in their Christmas clothes, laughing and opening presents. Oh, and the photoshoots that my ex used to take to get just the right picture of the kids by the tree for the holiday greeting card. Oh the patience, the eye rolling, and the tears. What great memories!
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