I saw a photo of my daughter recently. She was wearing a sweatshirt and necklace that I bought her as a gift for her birthday. I was very excited to see this, because I haven’t had a relationship with my daughter, or my son, since early 2008. I thought, “she can’t be that mad at me if she’s wearing the gifts I sent her.”


My excitement was squashed when a friend of mine asked if I thought she knew the gifts were from me. This thought hadn't occurred to me. I thought “no, my ex wouldn’t do that”, but then again, I never thought she’d make good on her promise that if anything ever happened to our marriage I would never see my children again. I stayed in a loveless marriage just to be with my kids. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed and manipulated.


So, I’ve started this blog in hopes that my children will see it and know how much I love and miss them ~ always have and always will. I will never ever give up on them, and my heart and my door will always be open and waiting, no questions asked. And speaking of questions, maybe reading this will cause them to question some of the things they have heard, or not heard, or been led to believe. They are smart kids, I'm sure they will be able to see through the fog surrounding them eventually.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

December 2010

It's beginning to look like Christmas! Snow is falling and piling up, it's almost time to get a tree. My kids loved going out to cut down a fresh tree. We would all go out together to the tree farm, pick out a nice tall, full one, that smelled good too, and then cut it down together. We would take turns pulling on the saw so that everyone helped. My son would help tie it to the roof of the car and we'd bring it home to decorate. They loved to put pine cones and angels all over it, and all the homemade or school-made wooden or paper reindeer ornaments. And of course, what is a Christmas tree without sparkly icicles and a big white angel on top. I've started to put out some Christmas decorations around the house. This year, I put two Christmas Candles in the front windows - one for each of my children. There are many stories about the origin of Christmas Candles and their meaning. I like the one that says they are to guide lost or wandering souls home to a place where it is warm and safe and welcoming.


Exciting news! My son has been nominated for Student of the Month at his school! I'm so proud of and excited for him. I hope he gets it. He's certainly earned it. His grades are excellent, he never misses school, and I'm sure he's respectful, courteous and responsible to his classmates. Not sure about the 'keeping his hands and feet to himself' part, but I digress ;) Seriously, he should be very proud of himself. I wonder if they give out those cool bumper stickers for their parent's cars - ha ha. I sent him a Congratulations card for his nomination, I hope he gets my card. Even if he is only nominated, it's still a great honor. Great job son! {Update: He got it, he's Student of the Month for December, very proud of him!}


The Christmas tree is up and full of those little snowmen, snow globes, angels and other little ornaments that have names on them. My friends and family have been giving me ornaments for the kids over the last couple years, so I put them up on my tree. This way they can be here with me for Christmas, in spirit anyways. My daughter has one of those names that you never find on the pre-printed ornaments, at least not spelled correctly, so hers are all hand-lettered. The tree looks really nice. I even have a few other ornaments that the kids made for me when they were younger, gotta love those school projects, and being a bit of a pack rat! Glad I saved all those things, they're fun to look at now that my kids are getting older.

Also went to church for the first time in a while, well, except for when I go to my grandma's church in Ohio when I visit her in the summer. I went to a Christmas Music Service; it was so beautiful. The choir was amazing. There was this one young woman there with a vocal range that was very impressive. I believe she is a music student from the Eastman School of Music at the University. I could hear her voice above the others, the same way I could always hear my daughter's voice above the others at her chorus concerts. Oh, and my daughter's school winter concert was last week. I sent her a text wishing her a good concert but she didn't respond. I'm sure she did great.
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